DII: Chapter Chapter 9 — The Lie of Signaling

The Core Lie

The lie of signaling is simple:

That expressed intention is equivalent to action.

It is not.

Signals do not bind time. They do not allocate priority. They do not foreclose alternatives. They do not force loss. Because they do none of these things, they do not coordinate.

A system that allows signals to advance interaction without requiring returns will always select for people who signal well.

This is not a psychological claim. It is arithmetic.

Why Signals Flourish Under Anomie

Signals flourish when three conditions are present:

  1. Goals are implicit (Chapter 7.5.2a)
  2. Closure is optional (Chapter 6)
  3. Cost is detached from action (Chapters 5 and 8)

Under these conditions, signaling becomes extraordinarily powerful.

It delivers upside—attention, validation, emotional contact—while preserving optionality. It allows the signaler to appear engaged without being accountable. It postpones loss indefinitely.

Crucially, this does not require deception.

Most signalers are sincere in the moment. The signal reflects a real feeling right now. The system simply does not require that feeling to survive time.

That is the trick.

Signals vs Returns (Non‑Negotiable Distinction)

A signal expresses.
A return commits.

Signals include:

  • “I like you.”
  • “I feel a connection.”
  • “I’m open to seeing where this goes.”
  • “I’m busy right now but soon.”
  • “I had such a good time.”
  • Warmth, flirting, affection, vulnerability talk.

Returns include:

  • Proposing a concrete time and place.
  • Confirming.
  • Showing up.
  • Saying no clearly.
  • Ending an interaction cleanly.

Signals feel meaningful because humans are social animals.

Returns are meaningful because they change the future.

Any system that treats these as equivalent is broken.

How Signaling Becomes Extractive

Signaling becomes extractive when it consumes another person’s coordination capacity without compensating it.

This usually happens invisibly.

One person:

  • Interprets
  • Waits
  • Regulates emotion
  • Holds time open
  • Defers other options

The other person:

  • Signals warmth
  • Preserves flexibility
  • Avoids decision
  • Bears minimal cost

No one is evil. No one is lying.

But value is being taken.

This is the defining feature of extractive interaction: benefit without reciprocal constraint.

Why Sincerity Does Not Save You

Sincerity is irrelevant to coordination.

A system cannot run on sincerity because sincerity does not bind behavior across time. A sincere person today can be unavailable tomorrow without contradiction.

Dating culture leans heavily on sincerity because it allows people to feel morally intact while remaining structurally unaccountable.

This is why so many interactions sound beautiful and go nowhere.

The system does not reward honesty. It rewards low‑cost engagement.

The Selection Effect

Once signaling advances interaction, the system selects for:

  • Emotional fluency
  • Verbal warmth
  • Availability without scheduling
  • Expressiveness without integration

It selects against:

  • Decisiveness
  • Planning
  • Closure
  • Follow‑through

This is why clarity now feels like pressure.

Clarity collapses ambiguity. Ambiguity is the asset.

The Damage Done

The damage of signaling is not confusion.

It is time theft.

People do not object to rejection. They object to being kept in play while the future is quietly foreclosed.

Signals keep attention engaged after outcomes are already decided.

They create the illusion of process where none exists.

This is why exhaustion, not heartbreak, is the dominant emotion of modern dating.

Why Moral Appeals Fail

Telling people to be more honest, more vulnerable, or more communicative fails because it increases signaling density.

It does not change payoff.

As long as signals advance interaction and returns do not, nothing changes.

The system eats good intentions for fuel.

The Only Fix

There is only one fix, and it is structural:

Signals must not advance state. Only returns can.

Once this rule is enforced:

  • Warmth regains meaning.
  • Speech becomes cheap again.
  • Clarity stops feeling dangerous.
  • Leadership is compensated.
  • Extraction becomes impossible.

This does not eliminate romance.

It eliminates theater.

Final Line

The lie of signaling is not that people mean nothing by what they say.

It is that saying can substitute for doing.

In any system that allows that substitution, intimacy will always be simulated, never built.